Reason not to let Zack on one of the list sites
by QUEEN EEVEE
Summary: Internet plus coffee plus Zack equals a bad combination. With Cloud and Reno in tow Shinra elevators will soon be out of order for SOLIDERs.
1. Genesis is drafted in

QE:I was so bored when I wrote this.

E.S.P:Yep.

Evestar:Later chapters will insanity.

QE:Yep.

E.S.P:No one brought us the characters when we asked so we don't own them.

Evestar:Unfortunately.

QE:This chapter is the prologue. The next is the story then the one after that is the epilogue.

E.S.P:I kind of feel sorry for Genesis.

* * *

><p>Genesis looked at the three weirdly. Reno was trying to hide. Cloud was looking at anything but him and Zack was grinning at him insanely.<p>

"You want my help." He asked raising an eyebrow and placing LOVELESS down.

"Well yeah." Zack said still grinning. "If you don't do number 8 we'd only have 46. After Cloud and Reno went through then and you're the only one brave enough to do this."

"Everyone thinks you're two screws loose from massacring an entire village anyway." Cloud said still refusing to look at anyone.

Genesis had to admit he liked Cloud. He was a lot tougher than people gave him credit for. "You do know you will be in a lot of trouble and Angeal will not be happy."

Zack grinned even more and gave two thumbs.

"We even have Kunsel assisting so the videos don't get out." Reno stated eyeing up the door.

"What do I get out of it?" Genesis asked.

Zack though hard for a moment. "Unlike these two you will have an opt out option and I will bring you untouched tea every morning."

Genesis shook his head. "Goddess help me. What's number eight?"


	2. Game on

QE:Feel sorry for Sephiroth.

E.S.P:We own nothing and the [?] is it will be explained in the footer.

Evestar:Now for the insanity.

QE:Stuff wasn't written in order and I really don't like Hojo or Hollander.

E.S.P:And Reeves will be fine. Don't worry about him.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.<br>**

Tseng glanced at the dark haired SOLDIER and sighed.

"VVROOOM."

The poor secretary dropped all the files. Everyone else edged away from lunatic.

**2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift. **

The blonde sighed to himself wondering how the hell he got himself into this. All day, well since from eleven when he got out of training, he had been standing in the lift shaking hands with everyone. The only fun was he was using Zack's name. Genesis burst out laughing when he said that freaking out some scientists earlier and Angeal brought him some cookies. So today hadn't been too bad but he still was going to kick Zack's ass later out of principle.

He waved at the secret camera to Kunsel and Tseng before the doors slid open again. His heart stopped. Before him were the General and Genesis.

"Hello Cadet."

He couldn't tear his eyes away from him. He was so in trouble later.

"Hi My name's Zack Fair." He was really going to kill Zack later as he shook the General's sword hand deliberately. He would like a decent run first.

The General just looked at him funny and he prepared himself to run.

"You're in on this." He said to the red head barely containing his laugher.

"Hey Woodstock." Genesis smiled ruffling Cloud's head. "You should have seen Lazard earlier he phoned Hojo and yelled at him for non regulation experiments."

"Why Woodstock?" He asked confused.

"I look like Snoop's bird friend." Cloud mumbled. "It beats being referred to a Chocobo all the time." He rolled his eyes as the General looked him over. "Because apparently I look like one."

"Only if a Chocobo was a mammal."

Genesis couldn't stop laughing, he knew Sephiroth didn't know how lucky he was Cloud was scared shitless of him. Thankfully people had turned around and walked away.  
><strong><br>3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.**

Tseng looked at the piece of paper Reno had handed him. It said Congratulations for being in this lift with Reno of the Turks.

"That's not the best bit boss." Reno played what could only be described as a victory fanfair.

"Security tapes of a week or a trip to Hojo."

"But Boss."

**4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.**

Hollander attempted visual dissection of his perfect creature's puppy. He was currently doing squats in the elevator even though people were standing in it. The little blond thing with him just looked exasperated. He took that as the puppy was quite often doing stuff like this and obviously not right in the head.

He turned away. The subject had lost his interest. He was happy working on formulas when someone sneezed.

"Hey do you want to see?" The Puppy asked him, holding out a Kleenex tissue.

**5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"**

Hojo entered the lift after another day of unsuccessfully cornering Sephiroth for an unscheduled experiment when he laid eyes on a very interested blond cadet. Weren't they extremely disposable? He would make a very good playmate for Sephiroth.

"Afternoon." The specimen smiled.

He nodded in response. Very good manners.

After a few moments of silence and Hojo measuring him up by eye the blond started hitting his head on the wall. "Shut up. Just be quiet."

"Are you quite alright." He asked intrigued by this sudden development.

"Yeah if they were quiet for ones." He smiled sheepishly.

"And how long had they existed?" He asked cornering the poor cadet. He still had sedatives in his pocket. He only needed a tenth of the vial to knock the cadet out.

The doors slid open. "There you are. Kunsel meant to drug me not you. Total accident." The black haired SOLDIER said as fast as possible. "Afternoon Professor." And proceeded to drag the blond out the door. "Lovely day right."

Hojo smiled. He would have to find the specimen later.

(-)

Cloud looked at the two SOLDIERs confused.

"Thank god we saved you from Hojo." Zack huffed. He was out of breath which was saying something. "It's a good job Tseng saw you and phoned all of us."

"That was Hojo." Fear dawned on Cloud. That guy was the only thing it was rumoured Sephiroth was afraid of and now he thinks he's nuts.

"Yeah. Tseng currently making sure he can never get your files. Ever." Kunsel stated. "There's no telling what the madman would have done."

**6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.  
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Reno called it a good day work. The entirety of the finance and SOLDIER floor were humming it's a small world after all. That screwed with Tseng because he really hated that song.

Determined not to get it stuck in his head he put on him music.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO."

**7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.**

Cloud could be thankful he wasn't the only one going to kill Zack later. Oh no Reno was as well. Why? They were all currently dressed up as Chocobo Scout, which was creepy enough as it is, but also selling cookies to everyone. Also annoyingly Genesis managed to get them into a contest. Whoever sells the most gets the week off.

Somehow he thinks Reno's going to win by blackmailing everyone to buy some.

**8) Stand completely undressed; save for the numerous name tag stickers while wearing red high heels.**

Reeves Tuesti was having a bad day. Scarlet and Heidegger were on his case the entire day correcting or shooting down ever idea and plan he had proposed. Hojo was trying to steal his funding. The slimy creep he was. Hollander was no better and Lazard was being the snotty kid he has always been and acted so superior.

All he wanted to do was, go home and play around with his electronics.

He walked into the elevator and nodded to the red haired commander who was reading and pressed the button for his floor.

Something nagged at his mind saying something was up. Unfortunately he had to look. Mr Rhapsodos was wearing nothing but a name tag.

He couldn't help but splutter and turn away before his face heated up. He wasn't gay damn it no matter what Scarlet called him on a regular basis.

"Is anything wrong Tuesti?" He knew the other male was smirking.

"None." He looked down and almost gasped. How the hell did he get high heels taller than Scarlet's? "Nothing at all."

"So it's got nothing to do with the fact I'm wearing high heels?"

He gulped. "Oh look this is my floor." He legged it out of there.

**9) Shave. **

Angeal didn't say anything. He was trying so hard not to but Zack had got a mirror and shaving cream and proceeded to shave.

In a public place as well. He glanced at the blonde cadet who looked as if nothing was out of place. Then again why was there a cadet going to the SOLIDER floor.

His mind tried to come to a ration reason and failed.

He walked off determined he was losing his mind.

**10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" **

Cissnei was not amused and being in a confined space with Reno was so not helping her case what so ever. She needed to be focused to give the debriefing as to why the helicopter was broken.

Out of the corner of her eye she could see Reno looking into the stupid bag which was the reason why she was here.

"Hey you got enough air slick?" He asked quietly.

"Reno You better not have a rabbit in there again or so Gaia help me." She threatened him with the end of her shuriken.

The door open and a cadet walked on. She didn't even bother moving. "Whatever he did stab him twice for me." And he walked and stood in the furthest corner.

**11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. **

Cloud stood bored by the sliding doors with a box of sticky notes and marker pens.

Fortunately it was Zack who was sticking them to people with cute animals on. His had a cat and for once not anything land bird related. Unfortunately Zack had stuck a note with a penis on it on to Genesis back when glomping him.

Cloud had a sneaking suspicion he was the one getting hurt.

**12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off**

Zack would have had the best day ever, He freaked Reeves out twice, Reno once, Cloud cried with laughter, Genesis had given him biscuits out of the president's office (He wasn't going to ask) and Hojo refused to come near him, Sephiroth patted him on the head and stated he was taking the stairs from now on, Rude leant him his sunglasses indefinitely while he abused Reno for being a prick, Cissnei hugged him and ran off and Rufus fell over Tseng and got into a tangled mess trying to get away. However Angeal thought he was extremely ill and dragged him off to the infirmary. Hojo was there.

**13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open and then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. **

Cissnei sighed as Reno attempted to pry open the door on their floor. She had no idea what had gotten into him today.

She stole his EMP rod and whacked him hard on the head.

"Hey?" He asked.

She shook her head and pressed the open button.

**14) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.  
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"NO." Zack yelled as Angeal tried too close the door.

The older male was at his wits end. He student was currently blocking the elevator door with his ass stuck up in the air and his ear to the floor. Oh and to make matters worse Genesis was wetting himself laughing at poor Sephiroth. There went his afternoon.

"Did you hear it?" Zack asked over excited.

**15) Do Tai Chi exercises. **

Apparently neither Reno nor Zack knew any tai chi so they did makeshift Yoga exercises in the middle of the elevator.

Everyone else was pushed right up against the walls. Even Cloud who vehemently told them that if they got him to do it in anyway what so ever he would tell Sephiroth those two idiots put pink hair dye in his shampoo bottle. The fact it was Genesis on a bad day didn't matter.

"Ok now Downwards facing dog." They cracked up. It was just too funny for them not to.

**16) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" **

Cissnei didn't know what to do so she felt Reno staring while looking like a joker at the head of urban development.

The poor guy looked like he was going to jump.

"I have new socks on."

Thankfully Rude beat her and whacked Reno unconscious. It saved her from neutering him herself. Which reminded her, she needed to know if it was possible to have that done to him on Shinra saving her money?

**17) Meow occasionally. **

Sephiroth in his daily run of Hojo decided it would be best to hide in the elevator. Zack and Reno walked in after him with some files and he kindly nodded at them.

It was going so well when never of them grabbed the door when Hojo yelled at them.

Then it went downhill and he remembered why he decided stairs were better.

One of them would meow. Without moving they lips and give the other a smirk. Then the other would respond with a similar meow. They would both stop for a short time then start again.

From floor 15 to the SOLIDER floor. By the end his hand was twitching and he stormed off to find Lazard.

**18) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. **

Sephiroth just punched Zack it was better to be safe than sorry. At least the cadet was happy if his huge smile was anything to go by.

**19) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. **

Being known for being bat shit crazy had it advantages. No one questioned when Genesis stood in the elevator pushing every single button while singing 'Zack is a dead guy' to the tune of 'Mary had a little lamb'.

**20) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. **

Genesis had no idea why today people were walking in looking at him then walking out again. To be honest he really didn't care it was quiet.

He kicked the box Zack had asked him to deliver to Sephiroth to make sure there was nothing living in there again and went back to reading.

"Gen." His oldest friend questioned when he walked in.

"Yes?"

"Why do you have a box with human head written on the side?"

**21) Leave a box between the doors. **

Sephiorth took one look at the box then at Reno in the elevator holding his stupid electric stick. He sighed and turned around and walked away.

However Tseng was still hung over and took his chances.

Reno wasn't seen for the next four days and when he arrived at work with purple hair no one questioned him.

**22) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. **

Cloud hated Zack with a passion.

He hated smiling at snobby people and asking what floor they wanted only for Reno to butt in and say he was his special friend who was here on work experience from the nut house.

He was going to know how special Cloud was when both he and Reno work up with their hands glued to their face.

**23) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.**

Sephiroth quickly got on the phone to Angeal. When asked what's wrong he simply stated that Zack was talking to him through a miniature puppet of himself.

**24) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."  
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"So I'm not allowed in that space?" Cissnei ask Zack.

"Yep." He grinned.

"You do know you have just failed. You're the only person who invades personal space." She pointed out.

"Oh. Yeah." Zack smacked his forehead. "I really didn't think this through." He sighed.

"Yeah and I hear Sephiroth ask what you are being punished for this time to Angeal and I think you might have another medical check."

She had never seen Zack move so fast. Not even for Reno's barbequed chocobo sticks.

**25) Bring a chair along.  
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Genesis glared at the black haired Puppy sitting in his chair. His favourite velvet chair that took him two hours to get in his apartment and three hours finding the perfect place to position.

"Hey Gen." Zack grinned. He had his muddy boots on the upholstery.

Genesis pulled out a fira materia and pressed the close door button.

**26) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."**

Reno was happy. He hadn't seen Zack all day so he hadn't gotten one of those annoying tasks he just couldn't seem to not do. The lunch ladies have forgiven him and now he can have proper food again. Cissnei isn't trying to kill him. Cloud was allowed near him again except there was no alcohol allowed in that equation which annoyed him.

So leaning back against the awfully coloured wall and freaking out a poor scientist woman with crud gestures while Tseng looked at him disapprovingly and Rude ignored him all together. His life couldn't get any better.

"I must find a suitable host."

Both he and the scientist woman looked at Tseng in poor confusion.

The next bit he wasn't proud of. The lights went out and he screamed like a little girl when an arm grabbed him and refused to let him go.

When the door opened he didn't know who ran faster, him or the woman, but he did know he ran into something solid and went by the name Zack.

"Reno my office at eight." Tseng said in his normal voice before the elevator door closed on them.

"I hate you, yo."

"I know."

**27) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. **

Angeal once again found himself worrying about his student's sanity.

However he found it in Zack's best interest not to ask. He just wished peopled would stop looking at Zack then look at him accusingly.  
><strong><br>28) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. **

Rufus hit the ceiling then the floor.

Tseng looked at the button and pressed it again. Yep same noise.

"Reno." He grumbled under his breath. He had to hand it to the red head he had no idea how he would have set it up to make explosive sounds. He pressed another button and a different noise bounced around the elevator.

**28) Break wind and blame it on the person next to you  
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"Luxiere that was disgusting." Zack exclaimed. "Talk about silent and deadly."

Reno broke the stink bomb on queue and abandoned the poor SOLIDER with Hojo.

**29) Pretend you are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait until it's busy and tell everyone to get out** **of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax.**

Zack loved Cissnei sometime. He really did. Who else did he know that would have an entire wardrobe dedicated to disguises for her, Reno and Rude. He managed to find a wig and uniform to fit. Tseng had lent him a tool box which had lots of gummy bears in it, he wasn't going to ask.

Being friends with Turks had its advantages as the lift broke on queue.

"Sorry Ladies and Gentlemen. You're gonna have ta get off." He was terrible at accents.

People mumbled in reply and he spotted Lazard. Thank you for the wig.

He walked in sat down and got himself comfortable while eating the gummy bears before the lift 'started working again' and at the next stop Reno, Cissnei and Cloud joined him with some proper food and Tseng kindly got the lift 'stuck' again before they had their party.

Yeah. Sometimes being friends with Turks had it advantages.

**30) Start to talk about your sex life. Tell them that all of your three children were conceived in this** **very lift. And point and say "it was up against that wall"  
><strong>

Sephiroth twitched. He had to be the one stuck with Reno in the lift when it breaks down. Good news. He had an excuse for not seeing Hojo. Bad News. Reno was explaining in detail his interesting and sometimes very wrong sex life. He was two sentences away from slaughtering the red head. It would have to be slow and painful, he had left his baby back at the office.

"That wall yo." Reno pointed to the wall he was leaning on . "Is where I shagged a very fine account lady."

Sephiroth got his phone out. "Tseng when you get this message you can collect your subordinate from the morgue."

"What yo?"

**31) Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need the money to feed your ten** **starving children back home in Wutai.  
><strong>

Tseng glared at his turk. "Stop talking to Zack or I will shoot you."

"But, slick..."

"I mean it Reno."

**32) Perform a striptease**

Scarlet and Heidegger were on his case again and he was about ready to snap. One of these days Reeves was going to join a terrorist organisation, help destroy Shinra and start up his own organization. Until then he was stuck in an elevator with two of the most vile, irritating and if Hojo and the president were here the root of all evil.

He sighed as Genesis and a blonde cadet walked in. He knew Scarlet was going to fawn over them to. Genesis was just her type (Shame she wasn't his) and the kid looked to naive from the looks of him.

"Why Genesis who is this delight?" She asked kindly that it forced him to shudder.

Genesis glared at her out right and did something he will never get out of his mind for the rest of his life and frenched the kid's brains out right in front of them.[1] Scarlet fainted.

The door opened to reveal a SOLDIER.

"See you Zack." The Commander guided the poor Cadet out and the SOLDIER walked in.

What can only be described as stripper music started playing and the SOLIDER started stripping. He really did think today couldn't get worse.

**33) Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE GROUND IS FALLING!"  
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It was a good job Cloud was truly scared of the lift. It normally took Zack and drugs to keep him calm. So when he hit the ground screaming about the floor falling. Everyone except the general screamed with him.

**34) Fake an orgasm when the lift starts to move. Announce that it was your best ever.**

Angeal was happy. Zack was well behaved. He finally met Cloud who quickly put Zack in his place like a pro and Genesis was too distracted by his book. Even Sephiroth was content with being in an elevator with Genesis and Zack.

Everything for once was going to be normal.

Somebody started groaning and he knew exactly who it was.

"Don't you start." He half yelled at his friend as he pointed his finger at him accusingly. "OR I'm going to tell everyone you sleep with Mr. Pinky and show them that picture."

"Liar." Genesis Retaliated. "I haven't slept with Mr. Pinky since someone set fire to his ass."

"I was ten."

Sephiroth got dragged out by Cloud and Zack as they let the old friends battle it out.

**35) Let your mobile phone ring - don't answer it.**

Let's just say Reno has the worst taste in music when being in the lift with the president.

Stripper by Lords of Acid.

Tseng was going to shot him but the president started asking where he got the song from and it freaked him out completely.

**36) Say "this new g-string is really starting to hurt." Then attempt to adjust it.**

Genesis had no idea why Reeves hated him but just saying g-string sent him running. Maybe he should be nicer to the guy but at the moment he didn't care. The dust trail was too funny not to laugh at.

**37) Suggest to the other passengers that you all should play a game of twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor**.

Cissnei sighed. "I'm not playing strip twister."

"But." Zack gave her puppy dog eyes. "We've all seen you butt naked before."

"Yeah thanks Reno." She glared at the red head who gave her thumbs up.

**38) Take a pet in, better if it's you friend on a lead.**

Genesis was happy and proud of Cloud. He walked Zack on muzzled and looked like a pro doing so. Shame Reeves started to freak out.

Tseng turned to him. "Thanks I have to get him therapy now."

Genesis just shrugged.

**39) Sing "I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves" Over and over again.  
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Angeal didn't ask why Zack was duct taped to the ceiling with multiple layers over his mouth. "Morning Genesis."

"Coffee then you can talk." The red head growled.

**40) Act like the sergeant of the lift. Order people around. Tell them to get in line.  
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The only downside was Zack was actually higher up than most of the SOLIDERs on board. The upside was no one question the most ridiculous stuff that left his mouth like pretend to swim around the elevator or bark like a dog.

Well until Angeal turned up at which point he ran.

**41) Suggest to the other people that you should play musical statues. Bring a tape recorder along** **too.**

After ten minutes of explaining the rules Sephiroth still didn't get them so Cloud became in charge of the tape player.

Turns out Sephiroth wins because Cloud is terrified of him.**  
><strong>  
><strong>42) Teach the people Wutai. Don't let them leave till they get it right<br>**

Rufus looked at the lunatic in horror. Even with Tseng next to him he felt at risk.

"Repeat after me." The black haired crazy man demanded. "Kon'nichiwa, o genkidesu ka?" [2]

He looked at Tseng then back at the crazy man.

"Look if you don't learn it you're not leaving." The SOLIDER stated matter of fact.

This was his floor and he needed off. "NO."

"Fine." He huffed. "You're still not leaving. You can't leave until you have learnt it. " He turned to Tseng. "Kon'nichiwa, o genkidesu ka?"

"Watashi wa yoku omoimasu. Kon ZAX o hanarete iku." [3]

"Tseng don't leave mee." Rufus called out trying to get away."

"Sorry sir but you have to take one for the team." Tseng stated as the doors closed. "There's only so much of Zack I can stand."

**43) Insist, the lift ride costs 250 gil  
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Reno glared at the scientist trying to get on.

"But it was free yesterday." How dare he argue with a Turk.

"Well it's not today. 250 gil please." He said trying not to hit the other person.

Genesis walked on.

"Yo. 250 gil slick." Reno said holding his hand out.

"Put it on my tab."

"Since when did you have a tab?" Reno asked.

"Since I held my Rapier at Zack's throat when he asked me earlier."

**44) Serve tea and coffee**

Angeal didn't know why Genesis was leaning against the wall drink tea with a trolley of stuff next to him but he was half tempter to walk back out again.

"Coffee?" Genesis asked.

"Yeah sure. But why?"

"Zack was selling it and he went running when I walked in." Genesis held up a roll of duct tape. "I don't know why."

"You know what. I don't care."

**45) Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "it is time..."  
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Cloud felt like a moron dressed up as the grim reaper. At least he had a cool scythe to scare old people with. Hojo actually turned around and walked away mumbling something about not time yet and the world wasn't his yet.

He was getting ready to scare the next people who walked on however the woman and her child still got on.

"Hey look mummy it's a Dementor."

**46) Explain to the passengers that this lift looks the same as the ones on all the other floors.**

"Seph." Zack asked all too innocently that it sent warning bells off in his head.

"Yes Zackary?" Sephiroth asked ready to blast the roof and take his chances.

Zack looked really confused. "I don't think we are moving. I mean this floor just looks like the last ten floors."

Sephiroth looked at him. "Zack the door hasn't opened how would you know?" **  
><strong>  
><strong>47) Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final<strong> **answer.  
><strong>

Cissnei twitched. It was bad enough Reno and Zack were playing that annoying board game but did they really have to be Chris Tarrent when people walked into the lift.

Then again it was surprising how many people changed their answer and quick.

"Cissnei are you going to kill us?"

"You still have 50/50 and phone a friend." Reno smirked.

"I'm going to phone Tseng." She sighed getting her phone out.

* * *

><p>QE:Stuff I'd like to clear now.<p>

[1]They not necessarily gay it is mainly so Scarlet won't rape Cloud in the future.

[2]Japanese: Hi how are you?

[3]Japanese: I am fine thank you. Now go away Zack.

E.S.P:Somebody actually likes strippers by lords of acid.

QE:Yep.

Evestar:Those two are why I can't go on Youtube anymore.

QE:Yeah even I'm worried.


End file.
